Secrets

1:01AM - Welcome to Hell-mart, How may I hurt you?

So, IS Christmas friggin over yet!?!?!¿? I wish it was already! It has been so crazy around the Wal-mart, I have nightmares, like, as though I was still there, YIKES! I gotta get through this one more day today, just a 2-7 shift, I can survive!!! No, no, I WILL Survive! *bursts into a giant disco*... Well, that was fun, but anyway... People seem to be on the median line of friendly and bitchy and downright stupid... There are some that want to say, yes, I understand why there are lines, some that say, there aren't enough lines open, and some that just plain out get nasty. And guess what?!? I discovered a pet peave of mine against WALMART! It's the bithcy old hags of wal-mart, the ones that always have a price to match, a complaint to make, a voice to express, I mean, c'mon ya old bat, bear with us, it's freaking Christmas! "Open another lane", "They have all these registers and no one to run them", and "You NEED to open up some more registers", "Oh, well, this is just ridiculous"= just a few phrases I have had to dealt with over the last couple days. It's not like I wasn't in the process of doing something about it! It just drives me wild, Is IT JANUARY YET? But I know when it is all over, I have some plans! I am going to go to my parents house down in grand old Kankakee county, yes, how exhilarating, because nothing is more exciting than Kankakee, and I am going to spend the night there and have brunch in the morning/noon hour on the following day. After that, I might go see a few friends further up north since I haven't seen them in oh, forever, and then I shall go home and me and my mother might have a Christmas dinner somewhere or do something, ya know.... But that is really all from me, and you know, I really need to update more often. Wasn't that fascinating, and btw, my new phrase for some reason is the simple word of "fabulous" but pronounced "Fab-o-lus." I don't know. I blame the work place.

Current mood: Getting Worn Out, but Survivin

1:11AM - Ooooh, this is kind of interesting..

You Were An Owl

You are stealthy and secretive - no one knows the true you. You are a seeker of freedom, and you are comfortable with your dark side.

Current mood: content

8:24PM - I say hey!

What's going on? Well with me, not much, just wanted to do a quick update. It's official I'm sick but lucky for me I had the day off today and I got some rest in and I am recovering from my sickness. But I still have to work tomorrow, but if I don't feel well, I am not going and with all the brand new snow we have, it just adds to my case. I know I am not far from home but they haven't plowed our parking lot and they should have done that a long time ago. So if I can't get out of the parking lot tomorrow, then I guess I'm not going to work. But that is all with me for now, but I will write more another time!

Current mood: not 100%

Current music: Down with the Sickness

11:39PM - I knew it!!!

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

Current mood: still awake, still sickening

10:38PM - If I live by the rainbow, what's my power color???

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You're Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

Current mood: Getting a cold! NO!

2:26PM - Just A song I like....

And I cry and no one can hear
Inhale
The blinded eyes that see
The chaos
Bring the pitiful to me
Even though I’m wide-awake, I will
& blackest night & I will wait for you
It’s cold in here, there’s no one left
And I wait for you
And nothing stops it happening
And I knew, I’d cherish all my misery alone

And I wait staring at the northern star
I’m afraid it won’t lead me anywhere
He’s so cold, he will ruin the world tonight
All the angels kneel into the northern lights
Kneel into the frozen lights

And they paid, I cry and cry for you
Ghosts that haunt you with their sorrow
I cried cos you were doomed
Praying to the wound that swallows
All that’s cold and cruel
Can you see the treees, charity and gratitude

They run to the pines
It’s black in here, blot out the sun
And run to the pines
Our misery runs wild and free
And I knew, the fire and the ashes of his grave

And I wait staring at the northern star
I’m afraid it won’t lead you very far
He’s so cold, he will win the world tonight
All the angels kneel into the northern lights
Feel their hearts, they’re cold and white

And I want you
And blessed are the broken
And I beg you
No loneliness, no misery is worth you
Oh, tear his heart cold as ice
It’s mine

And I wait, praying to the northern star
I’m afraid it won’t lead you anywhere
He’s so cold, raining on the world tonight
All the angels kneeling to the northern lights

And I pray, begging to the northern star
I’m afraid it won’t lead you anywhere
He’s so cold, he will rule the world tonight
All the angels, kneeling to the northern lights
Kneeling to the frozen lights
Feel their hearts, they’re cold as ice

7:14AM - Brand New Day....

Ok, so yesterday I flew off the cucoo's nest. For whatever reason, something just went off inside me I guess. But I feel better this morning, probably because me and Santiago went out and did something last night, because I just felt I needed to get out, so I decided we should go out to eat, and get some air if anything. The air has worked. So we went to aa Mexican restaurant called Dos Reales, which is very good, authentic Mexican food, and made a stop at Walmart to get some jumper cables so he could get a jump off my car so his would actually work. During that time, me and him had done a lot of talking and it was much needed, because it cleared up some issues that desperately needed resolving. After we got home and got Santiago's car to work, we came inside and just watched some TV and I played dead awaken and he played Mario Party, but before we even did that, we still spent an hour watching TV together, which was cool. So, I guess things appear to be fine but ya know, who knows? That's all for now.

Current mood: Still waking up, need COFFEE!

Current music: Nobody Knows It But Me-Tony Rich Project

4:37PM - Shorly after what I just posted.... This was my horoscope....

Virgo:

Quickie:
Minor setbacks shouldn't cloud your sunny outlook -- things are on an upswing!

Overview:
Your emotions are quite literally tumbling out of your mouth. That goes double for your most intense feelings -- the unexpected ones -- which definitely won't be easy to hide. But if you can't keep your mouth shut, no one can.

Current mood: surprised

3:55PM - Ok, I know, I haven't updated in a long time....

Well, let's see. I went out last night with a couple of friends to C-street and had a good time, ya know. I went with my friends Dan, a.k.a. Daysia (when in drag), Alicia, and Jessica. For some reason, it didn't feel the same as the last time we went out. It was fun but kind of dull. We went to a kings show and it wasn't as fascinating as a drag queen show, it was still good. We didn't get to c-street til a little after 12 because we were waiting on "Daysia" for like two hours to put his dang make-up on. When we got there, the show had just started, and when it was done, we all just danced. After we all left I was going to go back to Alicia's and Jessica's house but decided against it. I was tired, it was late, and I knew I would see them again. So, I went home, and went to bed. Well, among other things, the love life's really going down the crapper. We don't spend as much time together, which is kind of my fault because I want my own time, and I just don't know what I want to do with him. Maybe a movie?? But I don't know. Our schedules are so different, that when I get home, I just want to chill on my own and play some DA. Sorry to be so selfish, but if I did hang with him, his friend Matt comes over at night anyway and they do their own thing-*weed*- so why shouldn't I? But I don't know. Lately I feel as though I'm falling apart, and I don't know why. Something is not right with me and I don't know what it is. Yes, that really was repetitive. Sometimes I feel happy, but sometimes I wonder if it's just when I get a cheap thrill from some cash. But when the cheap thrills are gone, I go depressed. And I start to realize, I seem happy, and I hide behind this mask to everyone. But sometimes, I look deep down inside, and I see just what is really there. Nothing, I try to provide happiness to everyone, and I look I realize that inside, I'm crying. I am bleeding inside with thoughts of worthlessness, and on a good day, I say I feel great, but my negative always comes back to me after a few days. I'm not a good friend, I'm not a good boyfriend, I'm not even a good family member. I'm cold inside and I am like ice. The only thing that really gives me happiness is all materialistic, because deep down, I must be materialistic and selfish. I try so hard to show that I care when someone shares their problems with me and I do care about their well-being, but somehow I always bring their story back to my story. I don't know where all this is coming from, but it hurts me. I hate myself, I hate everything about me, I don't like where I'm going, and I only I can change it but I'm too f****cking stupid to know how. No one knows how close I feel to breaking down, and I don't even know why I feel this way. I guess I'm letting it all out. Letting out all these f***king frustrations in writing. God dang this F***CKING SELF-PITY sh*t! I'm so tired of myself, it's not all about me, god da*m*t! When I am gonna f888cking realize this! WHEN????? Now, I've let it all out, but it's still deep inside me. I continually lie to myself about who I am because I've convinced myself of happiness, but the truth is I was never happy, I wasn't really happy anytime, and acting was always my skill, I've simply put it to the test and it works. Because people really believe there is nothting wrong with me and I'm fine. I serve no real purposes here, and I live with it everyday, no way out of it, and I've learned to deal with it. I guess the masks really do work great, lying to you, lying to me me, lying to everyone, like a stupid son of a b*tch would.

Current mood: numb and cold

1:26PM - Well, who knew?

You Are A: Pony!

Who doesn't love a pony? You are one of these miniature horses, renown for your beauty and desired by many. Full of grace, you are a beautiful and very special animal, full of strength and majesty.

You were almost a: Duck or a Duckling
You are least like a: Groundhog or a TurtleThe Cute Animals Quiz

Current mood: jubilant

11:11PM - Stuff to talk about!!!! Oh my GOD BECKY!

Oh what a day I have had! All good too, even. I slept in til one in the afternoon and I watched some TV and the such which was good. I woke up and me and Santiago got a head's up on the laundry. I can say I got paid for doing my laundry today because I had today as a paid vacation day. So it was good to have gotten it done and out the way but I do still need to put it away, but I didn't have alot of time to do that because our deadline was to get to Roseanne by 7:30 and it was already 4, so we stopped at Gordman's clothing store before we went home. I bought myself a new shirt, pants, jacket, necklace, and a fabulous coolwater cologne spray. Afterwards Santiago and I went back to the house and proceeded in getting ready to see Roseanne. We had to look our very best. So once we were done, we left and I was so freaking excited about seeing Roseanne at the Virginia theater that I could hardly contain myself. We went and me and Santiago had to write down questions that Roseanne would be answering during her psychic part of the show. Only the best questions would be read and you didn't have to turn in a question, but I inquired, "will you have a new sitcom?". The psychic part was hilarious but I shall get to that in a bit. So the show opened with a local comedian doing her bit which was pretty good and then the lights went dim and the piano man played and there she was, Roseanne. She had looked at all the questions that people asked and she was like are there any gay people in here and half of the audience was applauding and cheering and she was making funnies on us, but they were good funnies. For instance, she was like, I like gay people and like if people are so grossed out by them doing it and having sex, that there should be gay marriages, and then the sex would end and etc. She continued doing her comedy bit and she came to her psychic part of the show, and she was reading people's questions about the future and that was, as said before, hilarious. One person's question was, "Will me and my lover's marriage last as long as you and Dan's did?" and Roseanne's reply was, "Get over it, it was a f***ing tv series!" It seems harsh but it was funny. She said it was the vibes she was being communicated to her. And then someone said "My dog died and went to heaven, will I see my dog when I go to heaven?" and there are names on these cards and what town they live in and the person's name was Brandon and her response was like, "Brandon, you're not going to heaven." The way she said it was just funny! And one more thing, someone asked "will they ever find love" and Roseanne said "go down to the Denny's in Kankakee, (she pronounced it Can-kakee, definitely not from around here) and said to go by the kitchen and find the guy with the green shirt and the lazy eye and that was her man." There was more but we'll cut to the grand finale of it all. Roseanne starts talking about some fears and sh*t and she said she was going to conquer her fear and tap dance in her underwear, and I thought, yeah right, and she took off her chinese psychic dress and she was in her underwear, more like a one piece black swimsuit without straps, and tap danced off stage and returned in a black dress and sang the song "I did it my way" her way. It was great. Afterwards, Santiago and I went to a gay mexican restaurant, and we had our dinner and returned home. And so concludes another fabulous day of my life!

Current mood: Amused with my great day!!!

Current music: Suzanne Vega- Tom's Diner

11:43AM - Hello!

Ok it has been a while, again, but I don't have much new to talk about. In 2 days, me and Santiago are going to see Roseanne on Snday! YEA!!! I love Roseanne and she's gonna be right in Champaign at the Virginia theater and we already have our tickets!!! I also have ordered my halloween costume a couple days ago and I cannot wait for it to come in. It's a oscar mayer bologna package and I tell yoo, it look, it look-a like-a man (in a bologna suit). C'mon now how many bologna suits do you see on Halloween??? That is just total originality! I work on Halloween but we can dress up! YEA!!! As long as you can work in your costume, it's alright. They are having 1st, 2nd, and 3rd shift costume contest between all three shifts, so I better not be the only one dressed up. well, that is about all that is new with me but I have nothing more to say.

Current mood: Ready for all the fun stuff

12:27PM - Awww....

Your Inner Child Is Scared

Like a kid, you tend to shy away from new experiences. You prefer what's tried and true - novelty is scary! New foods, new places, and new friends are difficult for you to deal with. Some say you're predictable, but you enjoy being comfortable.

Current mood: losing it

Current music: Yeah I don't know.

12:07PM - Hey hey...

Well, let's see, day before yesterday, I actually went and did something last Tuesday/ Wednesday on my days off. I went and visited my friend Jeannie and we went over to our friend Peggy's house and hung out over there just talking and messing around, waiting for Peggy's daughter to go to bed so we could go to Denny's. I was starved. So finally we left for Denny's and we ate, and I had a philly melt sandwich with seasoned fries, and it was VERY good. Later on as we were eating, Terilynn, Jeannie's sister, came and stopped by and we were all chatting about the weird experiences and people that we've had at Wal-mart. After that, I took Peggy back to her house and Jeannie went home wtih Terilynn. I hung out with Peggy for a little bit more and watched some of her chat room adventure schemes, which was hilarious. She dropped one dirty word and next thing you know, everyone was trying to IM her. Afterwards, I left and stayed at a Motel 6 and it was kinda lonely, because I never been in a motel room alone before. But I retired to bed and watched a little TV beforehand. I woke up to the tune of a phone the next morning at around noon because I didn't realize I was supppose to have checked out by 12, so they gave me some time to get myself together and move it on out or stay another day, and I was definitely not staying another day. I went home, chilled out, worked out, and even made a trip to Wal-mart. Yes those are the days. We had a maintenance guy over trying fix our A/C, like we need it now, and he almost let our cat's out twice, and then I went to shower before I left for Walmart, I got dressed and the damn door was open again and this time the cats did get out. So one was standing by the door outside of course and she came right back in while the other one was already down the stairs and underneath our neighbors patio. I eventually got her back faster than I expected. I put the cats up in my room and then left for walmart. I needed food and that is what I got and even a little more than expected but I got it for under 50 bucks!!! Hooray! When I came back I had started putting up the food and I saw like big dirt clumps on the floor and now I'm thinking the maintenance guy was tracking mud through the house too. Well I was cleaning it up and found out it wasn't dirt, no, it was dog crap. And to top that off, it wasn't the maintenance guy's fault, it was mine because the sh*t was on my shoe. Lovely... And so concludes another meaningful journal entry by me.

Current mood: Happy and stuff

11:43AM - Just woke up and had the strangest dream...

Oh my goodness, I don't know what I was on last night but it sure was in my dreams. It was power rangers meets zombies meets Walmart. What a combo. Well, I guess it all began when I was the blue power ranger (???) and I guess I didn't want to be a part of the team anymore and I was trying to escape their ways. And like a power rangers episode there was always naturally the bad guy to come and really mess things up, so this guy had us all in like a small kitchen/ living space all tied to chairs or something, and he was getting startling confessions out of all the power rangers and everytime they made a confession they were put in some certain spot and they were turned into human jello. Then two of these power rangers were hot and turned out to be gay together or something, I don't know. Well, I think the bad guy had his back turned or something and I was magically out the chair and I was darting for the door and people heard me trying to unlock the lock and were shouting he's getting away. And I had finally got the door lock to unlock and ran across the street to a neighbors house and just went right in their house and kind of explained and I was watching the place I just came out of and seen wal-mart associates, who were like zombies, on the hunt, not for my blood, but on the mad hunt to bring me back to house. Some of the associates were like on the hunt to bring me back and some were out there to encourage me to be a power ranger again?? I remember overnight CSM Chris, Lauren from service desk, and etc were trying to take me back to the house. And you know how zombies appear out of nowhere, I started having associates appear from nowhere. I had one CSM, CSM Virginia, that looked pale and her hair was super white and I really thought she was a zombie and I thought she was going to bite me. But I guess she was saying goodbye and she hugged me and it was like, ok. Some of the Walmart associates had spotted me at this house and were trying to knock on this neighbor dudes door and then Essence in her blue smock comes up and says there are some people here for you and I, knowing who they were, told Essence to send them away. It's like she became my secretary or something. And I woke up. I hate how dreams can't at least finish themselves off so I will finish it off, had I continued dreaming. I decide to become a power ranger one last time and walk out the door right past the associates knocking on this neighbors door and they do not know it is me but they did ask me if Daryl would come out and "play." I said "If you're lucky enough." So I go, kick the evil dude's butt and make my gay power ranger friends not be Jello anymore and yes I made the straight ones not Jello anymore too. As I reunited with these old power ranger buddies I said, it's not that I don't want to be a power ranger anymore it's just... It's not you, it's me. And with that been said I went away and then I returned with someone that could replace me as the blue power ranger, yes, I brought them Luna from the Wal-mart softlines department. And together, the power rangers kick butt like never before, but they did complain that luna was in the break room to much. Where's the team spirit?? And so concludes another episode of Daryl's wacky dreams. But wait, what happened to the all those Wal-mart associates??? Oh now, you know they had to be to work at 9!

Current mood: amused

8:14PM - New update...

I went to college, yay! Just not academically. In the last entry I was kind of depressed about some stuff last night or I just had a hair up my butt or something, so I have to clarify that through all that I did have a good time. I got to watch a gaming session which was simply fascinating. If I was in college, I would totally do it, it's that good. It's not really a nerd thing. They role playing about zombies and 5 or 6 people play at a time and kind of act out what they would do and they have to roll the dice to see the chances of them getting to do something. One person tells the story and it all goes off that as like the "narrator" or something. There was a lot more to it than just that but I don't feel like writing that much, including the whole zombie part, though that was good. We went back to Kari's dorm with her boyfriend Mike being with us and we thought we would for sure wake Kari's roommate Ema up but she was no where in sight. I am so happy for my friend Kari and her boyfriend, Mike. It is so nice to see her have a boyfriend and to just see her be happy, not that she was unhappy without one, but ya know. So me, Kari, and her boyfriend all hung out and were just talking and listening to music and the such. Ema strolled in later and it turned out that Ema was going to pull an all-nighter on a project she had due, so bedtime was definitely not in the picture. So we were all hanging out again and Ema shocked me a bit, good shock though. She was going outside to have a smoke and I was like "Oh my God" and then I was like "YES!" because I wanted one too. Thank you Jesus. Me and Ema actually had a good conversation outside having a smoke. I swear the smokers have the best conversations. And then I see this guy running around and Ema knows who he is, and this, my friends, is where I met Mario. He is a pretty cool guy actually and I know why I see his name in my friend Karis journal so much. I found out about Ema's nature spirits that Mario had dreamed up, which was a garden gnome, A gassy goblin, and a beautiful September fairy for a July baby. I wonder what my nature spirits would be??? I didn't go to bed til like 4 in the morning that night. I guess when you're in college, all track of time is lost, I mean really. I didn't really fall asleep real fast because my nose did not want to let me sleep and I was trying to figure out what is the best way to cuddle up with Ema's heavy, suffocating blanket. It wouldn't have been so suffocating if it wasn't for the fact that I felt like I couldn't breathe through my nose, but when I got chilly the next morning, I sure did cuddle up with that blanket real good with no problems. I slept passed the girls going to their classes and coming back and then when they were temporarily done with classes for the day, they invited me to lunch with them. At first I said no out of a tired reaction, but I thought about it and came to a couple conclusions. A. I don't come out to their college very much, so visit while I can, B. I'll be up shortly after they leave and then I will have wanted to go, and C. I would've had to pee and who would've walked me to the bathroom??? At those last measures, peeing in a pink lemonade bottle would not be an option. So we ate at Thomas Hall and and sweet Ema had bought me lunch and we all went back to Karis and Emas dorm. I thanked Ema for the lunch and by golly, she even told me I was mostly welcome. I wasn't good enough for being all the way welcome, just partially don't ya know. She was tired though, it was understood that she was mostly tired. I would be to. Kari helped me set up some AIM stuff, then I grabbed my stuff, and we walked to my car only to discover when we got there, that there was a parking ticket on my car from campus cops or something, so we went to go pay it quick but we didn't have to because I was a visitor and it was my first parking ticket from the university and all I had to do was get a day pass the next time. So no ticket for me. YAY! I went home and piddled around and just stuff and that is about it from me.

Current mood: Peachy Dandy

Current music: Kiss the Rain- Billie Myers

3:10AM - I wish...

Hey, here I am again. I feel so in a pool of self-pity and do not know why. I'm just chilling out in a friend's dorm and wondering why didn't I get myself into college. I wish I would've never went away to the stupid Navy. I only fruct up my shnit by doing that and I thought working would be ok, but here I am feeling like I am slightly incomplete by not experiencing the college years. I wish I'd have the money for it and I wish I wouldn't have to live with my parents just to go to college. I wish I wouldn't have to take a bunch of classes just to do what I really want to do and I really wish I would just be happy with what I have accomplished in my life already. I've accomplished moving on my own, and I even moved up in my job and make just enough money but I still feel like I should or need to do more. I wish I would start making myself get it together and figure out what I would do even if I went to college. This is so stupid. I don't know why I'm, for lack of a better word, "bugging." I make to many wishes and I know only I can change what I don't like. I'm happy though, most the time, but I still feel incomplete. I feel so older than I really am half of the time and I just feel like, is it time to die yet? No I'm no where near dying, and I don't plan to be for a long time, it's just an expression to show how much older I feel sometimes. I don't know why, I don't understand, and I cannot figure out what is even going on inside of me anymore and I just need to be numbed already, because I'm already halfway there. I can't even cry anymore, which probably would make me feel better, but I have even been numbed to that. There is nothing wrong in my life to even be considered "numbed" and I should be nothing but happy, but I guess I really am not. I don't know. Well, I guess I better get off of this thing. It is 3:33 in the morning after all.

Current mood: incomplete

Current music: My Immortal- Evanescence

1:23AM - And another thing...

Your element is Light. Your heart is pure and
shining with love. You believe in the goodness
of those around you and give almost everyone a
smile. You are not the kind to hide your
happiness and tend to smile all day long, both
in and out. But when sadness hits you, you
become very devastated and may be upset for
quite some time. What you need in your life is
friends, friends who will love you
unconditionally, like you love them. But you
have a naive nature and don't always notice
when someone is trying to hurt you. Some would
say you are oblivious to mean people, which
makes you an easy target. However, your true
friends will probably be there for you and save
you. In school you are either the popular one
or the little weird one. It all depends if
"the higher people" find your caring
side irritating or not. Nevertheless, you have
a bubbly personality and are social. Big partys
may not be your thing since you want bonding
time with your friends, so slumber-partys fit
you more. You like the happy things in life and
like everyone else to be as happy as you are.
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What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
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12:38AM - Feeling...

I feel in one place in this time. How I explain what it is I mean, I don't know, but it's just everyone is just advancing around me and stay in one spot. Though I have done a lot over this past year of 2005, I just feel like I need to do more, but what I want to do, I just don't know. Any suggestions?

Current mood: In One Place

12:10PM - Oh and here is something I didn't know!

We have earthquakes in Illinois at least once every year. Did you know that or am I just slow? And the chance of having a 6.3 on the richter scale for an earthquake is a 40 to 63% chance???

Current mood: Hello!

Current music: Now it's the Discovery Channel